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Invisible, creative and hurting
Aug. 20th, 2025 09:18 pmI’m feeling so lonely that I think I’m starting to actually become a writer again. And this isn’t to say that there’s anything wrong with being a writer quite the opposite actually, but I know deep down that path is not meant for me. I meant to be a performer I am meant to be loud primal and on a big stage.
Realistically I know that it’s trauma that’s done this to me that made me quiet and so writing feels like the cop out so nobody actually has to see me but even when I try to perform its so stiff and awkward because my nervous system is fucked.
I feel like I don’t radiate enough coolness and not even just that but my voice just won’t be good enough no matter how much I train it. It just sounds like karaoke and all I ever wanted to do is sing and everyone says don’t give up but I’ve been trying for 10 years and not only that I can’t even make friends either like nobody ever wants to connect or wants me round long term. For a time they may think I’m cool and then in real life I don’t match up to it so they just ghost after a certain period of time I’m tired .
I just feel like my life is going nowhere and honestly writing is the last ditch hope to get my life to actually go anywhere simply because writing doesn’t require real life presence so people can see who I truly am through writing because everywhere else (unless it’s drawing, but I’m not into that) Everywhere else requires you to be able embody on the spot and unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to embody shit ever again.
My best bet is to write a story full of darkness and emotion but like a written aesthetic of how I feel and then lace it with a lot of symbolism and deep meaning and see who gets it and then I can see where my people are because unfortunately while some people are meant to be shining stars and some people aren’t - I sit in between; somebody that was but won’t ever be able to again.
I really do love the optimistic people that tell me to never give up. I’m not saying that that’s a bad sentiment to have but nowadays is everything is so instant especially with social media and if you want to even be in a band, no such thing as being in a band for fun anymore everyone expects you to be so fucking good otherwise why are you wasting their time? And it’s all about clout and that shit translates to friendships as well and I just feel like in this new day and age I’m never gonna be what anybody wants me to be - it’s either never gonna be enough or it’s never gonna be quite the thing they’re looking for and you can say focus on yourself and don’t worry about other peoples opinions all you want but the truth there is this world runs on other peoples opinions.
The people that say not to worry about anyone’s opinions have never been in a situation where they have literally no opportunities because nobody around them is giving them a fucking chance. And that’s just true because I’ve lived by that mindset my whole life and it’s gotten me nowhere.
Do you not think I want to network at some point, find a guitarist, bassist or whatever but everyone’s just so closed off or only open to people that are really good already- these people will not move to me and if they do, they’ll just meet once than ghost. Like, these people, they don’t want me. I don’t know what else I have to fucking do . I don’t know how many times I have to over analyse and tear myself apart to get on in this world.
The truth is I have a lot of pain and a lot of energy that can be turned into art but it’s not presented in a pleasant way or in a brutal but cool way that people want it is just noise it is not presented in a pretty little package. It’s not presented in a way that could be sold or consumed and I don’t know how to make myself the thing that can be sold or consumed so I guess just fuck me right?
I’m just a traumatised disjointed mess but not in the attractive traumatised and broken way. I’m broken in such a way that’s not attractive and not consumable and never fucking will be. I was at some point but I cannot access that anymore.
It’s not “beautiful damage” like the inspirational trite people sell. It’s just DAMAGE. And that makes a big difference to how people treat you. If you take away the cliches- I have nothing to offer to this world.
Realistically I know that it’s trauma that’s done this to me that made me quiet and so writing feels like the cop out so nobody actually has to see me but even when I try to perform its so stiff and awkward because my nervous system is fucked.
I feel like I don’t radiate enough coolness and not even just that but my voice just won’t be good enough no matter how much I train it. It just sounds like karaoke and all I ever wanted to do is sing and everyone says don’t give up but I’ve been trying for 10 years and not only that I can’t even make friends either like nobody ever wants to connect or wants me round long term. For a time they may think I’m cool and then in real life I don’t match up to it so they just ghost after a certain period of time I’m tired .
I just feel like my life is going nowhere and honestly writing is the last ditch hope to get my life to actually go anywhere simply because writing doesn’t require real life presence so people can see who I truly am through writing because everywhere else (unless it’s drawing, but I’m not into that) Everywhere else requires you to be able embody on the spot and unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to embody shit ever again.
My best bet is to write a story full of darkness and emotion but like a written aesthetic of how I feel and then lace it with a lot of symbolism and deep meaning and see who gets it and then I can see where my people are because unfortunately while some people are meant to be shining stars and some people aren’t - I sit in between; somebody that was but won’t ever be able to again.
I really do love the optimistic people that tell me to never give up. I’m not saying that that’s a bad sentiment to have but nowadays is everything is so instant especially with social media and if you want to even be in a band, no such thing as being in a band for fun anymore everyone expects you to be so fucking good otherwise why are you wasting their time? And it’s all about clout and that shit translates to friendships as well and I just feel like in this new day and age I’m never gonna be what anybody wants me to be - it’s either never gonna be enough or it’s never gonna be quite the thing they’re looking for and you can say focus on yourself and don’t worry about other peoples opinions all you want but the truth there is this world runs on other peoples opinions.
The people that say not to worry about anyone’s opinions have never been in a situation where they have literally no opportunities because nobody around them is giving them a fucking chance. And that’s just true because I’ve lived by that mindset my whole life and it’s gotten me nowhere.
Do you not think I want to network at some point, find a guitarist, bassist or whatever but everyone’s just so closed off or only open to people that are really good already- these people will not move to me and if they do, they’ll just meet once than ghost. Like, these people, they don’t want me. I don’t know what else I have to fucking do . I don’t know how many times I have to over analyse and tear myself apart to get on in this world.
The truth is I have a lot of pain and a lot of energy that can be turned into art but it’s not presented in a pleasant way or in a brutal but cool way that people want it is just noise it is not presented in a pretty little package. It’s not presented in a way that could be sold or consumed and I don’t know how to make myself the thing that can be sold or consumed so I guess just fuck me right?
I’m just a traumatised disjointed mess but not in the attractive traumatised and broken way. I’m broken in such a way that’s not attractive and not consumable and never fucking will be. I was at some point but I cannot access that anymore.
It’s not “beautiful damage” like the inspirational trite people sell. It’s just DAMAGE. And that makes a big difference to how people treat you. If you take away the cliches- I have nothing to offer to this world.