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ghost_azaleaI envy the girl I was 10 years ago.
Honestly her future was so bright and despite the odds she was strong enough to handle anything, her brain didn’t feel like it was fried and half decaying- she had a boyfriend, community and people who loved and valued her. When she sang, people actually listened. She had the energy and charisma of a human being not a fucking rock. People actually thought she was really cool and unique and offered her opportunities- her decisions in the world actually mattered. The world was quite literally at her feet, a reward for her suffering and mental anguish the year before.
…And I wasn’t *as* traumatised yet.
Days like this when I’m sick, it’s the weekend or I’m otherwise not at work, it has me feeling nostalgic. I wish I could go back before it all happened. Before life just decided it hated me, before the bad decisions made from a survival mode ridden brain. Before I lost nearly all of my charm, intelligence and now a loser because I spent all of my energy surviving fucking narcissists.
It’s not like anybody would believe me because I can’t even describe it coherently enough for people to understand how bad it actually was anymore. And now I’m washed up in a world which everyone’s empathy is dwindling everyday and things are becoming more and more judgemental.
I would love a chance to go back with the knowledge of everything I have now- like this was all a bad dream.
Honestly her future was so bright and despite the odds she was strong enough to handle anything, her brain didn’t feel like it was fried and half decaying- she had a boyfriend, community and people who loved and valued her. When she sang, people actually listened. She had the energy and charisma of a human being not a fucking rock. People actually thought she was really cool and unique and offered her opportunities- her decisions in the world actually mattered. The world was quite literally at her feet, a reward for her suffering and mental anguish the year before.
…And I wasn’t *as* traumatised yet.
Days like this when I’m sick, it’s the weekend or I’m otherwise not at work, it has me feeling nostalgic. I wish I could go back before it all happened. Before life just decided it hated me, before the bad decisions made from a survival mode ridden brain. Before I lost nearly all of my charm, intelligence and now a loser because I spent all of my energy surviving fucking narcissists.
It’s not like anybody would believe me because I can’t even describe it coherently enough for people to understand how bad it actually was anymore. And now I’m washed up in a world which everyone’s empathy is dwindling everyday and things are becoming more and more judgemental.
I would love a chance to go back with the knowledge of everything I have now- like this was all a bad dream.
